Teenager Caley explains why being reunited with the mother who walked out on her has stirred up her feelings
Dear Aunty Aura,
Since February this year, I have been reunited with the mother who walked out on our family eleven years ago. I was three years old when she left us for her rich boyfriend, my brothers were seven and nine at the time. Although I don’t have any memories of when she lived with us, I’ve always felt weird growing up without a mum. My dad has a brilliant girlfriend who has been in our lives since I was five, and although she’s been a “mum” to me, she isn’t my real mum.
My mum made a plea through her parents at Christmas time last year to get back in contact with us and although my brothers blatantly refused, and warned me to do the same, I took her number. After a few awkward text messages, we agreed to meet up secretly, as I didn’t want to upset my dad or brothers. Since February, I have been seeing my mum at least once a month and we message each other sometimes. She hasn’t fully explained why she abandoned us and I don’t question her but she is still with the rich guy and they have two daughters. I’ve never met them but seen pictures. My mum seems really happy with her family which makes me wonder why she didn’t love me and my brothers enough to include us in their lives even more now than I did before. I am glad that I get to see her, but hate that it has to be in secret cuz I feel like I’m betraying my dad and brothers. I still feel as lonely as I did growing up because even though I know her, I still haven’t got a mum. I’m happy when I see her, then I’m crying when she leaves and moody with my friends and family afterwards. Do you think my mum really loves me and should I tell my family I’m seeing her?
Caley, 14 UK
Dear Caley,
Your emotions are jumping all over the place and you’re keeping them to yourself which isn’t a good thing for a grown adult, never mind a young teenager. I’m going to be bluntly honest with you because I don’t want you to hurt alone anymore.
I’m sure that your mother does love you and your brothers. I doubt that she would’ve made contact if she didn’t. However, seeing you in secret and not offering you an explanation as to why she hasn’t been in your life for over a decade is poor behaviour on her part. Although she is your biological mother, this woman is a stranger to you, as you are to her. This does not in any way mean that you cannot form a bond and have a loving relationship with your mother. It means that as an adult, your mother is going to have to step up to her role as a parent.
You need to tell your father and your brothers that you are seeing your mother. The guilt you feel for lying to them will explode one day and from the mood swings you experience, its heading that way. Your father and brothers know you and love you, so they will support you as you deal with these feelings about your mother, even if they don’t have direct contact with her themselves. Maybe you could talk to your Dads girlfriend first if you feel apprehensive. As a neutral member of your family, she can ease any high emotions. You must also understand why your brothers do not wish to see your mother. They were older than you when she left, therefore they have more memories and hurt that they do not wish to stir up.
Once you be straight with your family, I can guarantee you’ll feel more confident asking your mother the questions you want answering and deciding what you want and what you will get from having her in your life. I sincerely hope things work out for you Caley. You may have to deal with a lot of roughs before you get to the smooth but keep strong and never blame yourself for the actions of your mother leaving you.
Love Auntie Aura
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