Addictions – Auntie Aura's Confessions Corner

Single mum Valerie thought she had found the love of her life, until he turned back to his heroin addiction. Aunty Aura helps her decide whether the boyfriend should stay or go.

Dear Aunty Aura,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and we’ve been living together for 8 months. I knew he had a drug abuse history at the start of our relationship but as he had been clean for a number of years, thought it was in the past. A few months into us living together, I noticed sharp mood swings in him, especially with my children [from a previous relationship]. I put it down to the stresses of other people’s kids, knowing my own can be a handful at times. When items from our home and cash from my purse went missing, I agreed with my boyfriend that my teenage son was the culprit. My boyfriend works, earns a good wage so I never suspected him for a moment, until I found evidence of his drug use in the garage a couple of weeks ago. At first he denied it, then he blamed me and my kids for his relapse and then came the apologies, tears, promises to get help and declaring his love for me. I feel for him, I love him but I’ve never had dealings with a drug addict before and I can’t cope with the war that’s exploded because of it. My kids want to live with their dad because they’re scared of my boyfriend. My ex is threatening to report us to social services and my boyfriend is depending on me to be his crutch whilst he sorts himself out, although he hasn’t actively seeked professional help yet, and is still taking heroin. I don’t want to lose my kids or him.

Valerie, UK

Valerie

Neither yourself or your kids were supplying drugs, nor forcing them down your boyfriends throat, so he has no right blaming you. He makes his own choices. You love this guy, but your kids are your priority. They’re entitled to feel safe in their own home and be in the care of responsible adults. You’ve falsely accused your son of stealing which will have put a strain on your relationship with him. You can’t expect your kids not to have issues with the wrong doings of your boyfriend just because you love him. Personally, I would say he’s got to go, until he receives treatment and see how things go from there. You can still support him, but his drugs and the behaviour that stems from his abuse cannot be in your house or around your children. With drug users you have to be tough. Say what you mean and follow through. If he really loves you and wants help with his addiction, he’ll do his best to get there. By allowing him to still use in your home, until he decides when to seek help is giving him a crutch, which he will use to guilt trip you and take the guilt of himself and things will only get worse. Get tough, let him prove himself and you focus on your kids.

Aunty Aura

7338 – Moscow – Bolotnaya Proshad – Children are the victims of adults’ vices – Alcoholism (Photo credit: thisisbossi)

Dear Aura,

My parents had a hostile marriage, my father a drunken bully, my mother a drunken cheat. Throughout my childhood up until my father died last year I can not recall either of them showing genuine affection for each other, yet now my Dads dead, my mother is putting on a big performance as a grieving widow.

I am the middle child of three and our home life was a terrible one having alcoholics for parents. They were so wrapped up in their bickering and fighting that they hardly paid any attention to us as kids and it was down to external family members and neighbours that we were clean, fed and went to school. Us kids all left home early to escape the mayhem but I did go back and visit them often to check they were OK. My Dads heart attack came as no surprise as all his organs were failing due to alcohol abuse. My Mum never visited him once during the five days he was in intensive care yet turned on the waterworks to the neighbours and family when she realised he wasn’t coming back.

My brother and sister have little sympathy or time for her but my Mum has always known I’m a soft touch. I do her shopping, tidy the house for her and often I’ll stay with her or let her stay at my flat when she wails about missing my Dad and being all alone. She can’t go anywhere without telling people about my Dads heart and how he suffered but she wasn’t at home when he collapsed and she didn’t see him again until he was in the hospital morgue. She’s blatantly using my Dads death to seek attention and sympathy and although I hate her for it I haven’t got the courage to walk away like my brother and sister can.

Becki 23, London UK.

Auntie Aura Says:

Dear Becki,

You are really going through some tough times at the moment and I truly sympathise with you. Your childhood was a nightmare due to your parents addiction to alcohol, you escape from the nightmare and then one of your parents dies forcing you back into the darkness again. Understandably there is a lot of anger in your feelings towards your mother but the love you feel for her won’t allow you to walk away from the emotional guilt she’s throwing at you.

Alcoholics always have an excuse to justify their drinking. Your fathers death is the perfect excuse for your mother. In her sober heart she probably did love him and before the drink got out of control, they probably did have a good marriage in which they produced three children and that is why she’s grieving now. However, you have to start being honest with yourself and your mother before she becomes entirely dependant on you. When your mother cries about missing your Dad, remind her of the arguing and confront her about not visiting him in hospital. The more you do this the less she’ll use it as a method of sympathy and if there is any genuine feelings there she’ll use them as her defence. The latter would be good for you to hear as it must have been tough for you and your siblings seeing the negativity between your parents growing up.

Your mother may not see her drinking as a problem but make it known to her that its a problem to you and you don’t want to be around it. I can’t guarantee it will force her to get help but you’re an adult now and you should no longer have to suffer with her drunken antics. If she wants to drink in her own time you can’t stop her but if she’s as lonely as she claims and clinging to you, demand that she stays off the alcohol.

Best Wishes

Aura