Jealous Of My Boyfriends Bromance With My Ex

Mummy Shauna is grateful that her ex and her boyfriend aren’t at each others throats, but their bromance is making her feel annoyed and slightly neglected. 

Dear Auntie Aura,

I know I probably shouldn’t be complaining, but the bromance between my ex partner and present boyfriend is driving me cuckoo. My ex and I split over two years ago but he remains a part of my life as we have two children together. When I first started dating my boyfriend, my ex was a bit standoffish and arrogant towards him. My boyfriend, who also has children from a previous relationship, put it down to my ex having fears about another man being around his kids and muscling in on his role as their dad. I don’t know the full conversation that took place between them shortly afterwards, but since then they’ve become firm friends. They go on weekend trips with all the kids, go out socially, call and message each other almost every day. I’m grateful they get along, but I sometimes feel like my ex is the third person in my relationship. I get along with his girlfriend but I don’t want to be her best mate. If I have an argument with my boyfriend, I don’t need my ex knowing or giving advice about it and I can certainly do without him calling my fella just as we’re about to get intimate. My ex is around us so much that even holding hands or giving my boyfriend a cuddle feels awkward in front of him. When I talk to my boyfriend about the situation, he just laughs my frustration off and says I should be grateful that my ex is mature enough to accept him and that their friendship is positive for my kids. I agree to a certain extent and I know he’ll always be a part of my life, I just wish it wasn’t so much. I actually get jealous sometimes because I feel my ex knows my boyfriend more than I do. Am I wrong to feel like this?  – Shauna, 35

Dear Shauna,

There are many women who’s exes won’t even let them move on with a new partner that would love to be in your position right now. However, you are not wrong for feeling a little overpowered by your exes presence in your relationship. To demand any drastic changes ie; they stop socialising together unless it involves the children, would only cause unnecessary friction. Your boyfriend should not be answering any calls unless they are emergency calls when you and he are having intimate time so you need to check hi on that issue. As for feeling awkward to displaying affection in front of your ex, that could be your problem. You’ve both moved on and settled in relationships, your past with him is history, so kissing your boyfriend or giving a little tap on his ass should not feel awkward. Maybe you should do it more often and your ex might take a hint and leave you be but don’t let his presence hold you back. Also try not to be the third wheel just hanging about or left alone when they’re hanging out. Go out with your own friends or have them over so your time and thoughts are not so occupied seething over what your boyfriend and ex are doing. Please, however annoyed you feel, try and remain positive about your situation, just enjoy the harmony and let your boyfriend know that it is ok to say “no” to your ex sometimes, so he can spend more time with you.

Aunty Aura

ADVICE – My Boyfriend Is Back On Drugs

Single mum Valerie thought she had found the love of her life, until he turned back to his heroin addiction.  Aunty Aura helps her decide whether the boyfriend should stay or go.

Image Source : http://www.pixabay.com

Dear Aunty Aura,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and we’ve been living together for 8 months. I knew he had a drug abuse history at the start of our relationship but as he had been clean for a number of years, thought it was in the past. A few months into us living together, I noticed sharp mood swings in him, especially with my children [from a previous relationship]. I put it down to the stresses of other people’s kids, knowing my own can be a handful at times. When items from our home and cash from my purse went missing, I agreed with my boyfriend that my teenage son was the culprit. My boyfriend works, earns a good wage so I never suspected him for a moment, until I found evidence of his drug use in the garage a couple of weeks ago. At first he denied it, then he blamed me and my kids for his relapse and then came the apologies, tears, promises to get help and declaring his love for me. I feel for him, I love him but I’ve never had dealings with a drug addict before and I can’t cope with the war that’s exploded because of it. My kids want to live with their dad because they’re scared of my boyfriend. My ex is threatening to report us to social services and my boyfriend is depending on me to be his crutch whilst he sorts himself out, although he hasn’t actively seeked professional help yet, and is still taking heroin. I don’t want to lose my kids or him.

Valerie, UK

Valerie

Neither yourself or your kids were supplying drugs, nor forcing them down your boyfriends throat, so he has no right blaming you. He makes his own choices. You love this guy, but your kids are your priority. They’re entitled to feel safe in their own home and be in the care of responsible adults. You’ve falsely accused your son of stealing which will have put a strain on your relationship with him. You can’t expect your kids not to have issues with the wrong doings of your boyfriend just because you love him. Personally, I would say he’s got to go, until he receives treatment and see how things go from there. You can still support him, but his drugs and the behaviour that stems from his abuse cannot be in your house or around your children. With drug users you have to be tough. Say what you mean and follow through. If he really loves you and wants help with his addiction, he’ll do his best to get there. By allowing him to still use in your home, until he decides when to seek help is giving him a crutch, which he will use to guilt trip you and take the guilt of himself and things will only get worse. Get tough, let him prove himself and you focus on your kids.

Aunty Aura

ADVICE – No Sex Before Marriage

Jake from the UK asks Auntie Aura for advice on his no sex relationship

“No ring, no things”

Dear Auntie Aura,

From the moment I hooked up with my girl eight months ago, she said that she would never have sex until she’s married. Girls use that line all that time when they’re playing guys so I didn’t pay too much attention to what she said, however, eight months later, she’s sticking to her words and won’t free up.

My girlfriend claims she is a practising Christian, she doesn’t go to church every Sunday, she smokes, drinks and parties so why can’t she have sex. I’m almost 20, I get feelings and I’ve got needs. She allows foreplay, but whilst she can touch me to get me aroused, I’m not allowed to touch her underneath (vagina) as she says I’m “crossing boundaries” and steering her into temptation. I have feelings for this girl but I can’t hold out for much longer and I’m too young to be putting a ring on her finger. There’s plenty of girls around my way that I could have sex with but I don’t wanna be cheating on her. Maybe I should just end it. What do you think?

Jake, Birmingham UK

AUNTIE AURA SAYS:

Hi Jake. Although your girlfriend doesn’t sound very Christian-like, she stated a rule from the onset of your relationship, that there would be no sex before marriage. You have to respect that. However, her teasing you is not fair and I fully understand that you must be overwhelmed with sexual frustration, its only natural.

I don’t think this relationship holds out much hope for the future as you both have parallel feelings of what you want from each other. You’re not ready for marriage and your girlfriend doesn’t want sex. You can’t change her feelings and she can’t change yours so you’re on a road to disaster. You need to have serious words with your lady and part hopefully on friendly terms.

On another note, fair play on you for holding back for eight months. Not many guys would be able to do that.

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Runaway Mum Stirs Up Teen Daughter’s Emotions

Teenager Caley explains why being reunited with the mother who walked out on her has stirred up her feelings

Dear Aunty Aura,

Since February this year, I have been reunited with the mother who walked out on our family eleven years ago. I was three years old when she left us for her rich boyfriend, my brothers were seven and nine at the time.  Although I don’t have any memories of when she lived with us, I’ve always felt weird growing up without a mum. My dad has a brilliant girlfriend who has been in our lives since I was five, and although she’s been a “mum” to me, she isn’t my real mum.

My mum made a plea through her parents at Christmas time last year to get back in contact with us and although my brothers blatantly refused, and warned me to do the same, I took her number. After a few awkward text messages, we agreed to meet up secretly, as I didn’t want to upset my dad or brothers. Since February, I have been seeing my mum at least once a month and we message each other sometimes.   She hasn’t fully explained why she abandoned us and I don’t question her but she is still with the rich guy and they have two daughters.  I’ve never met them but seen pictures.  My mum seems really happy with her family which makes me wonder why she didn’t love me and my brothers enough to include us in their lives even more now than I did before.  I am glad that I get to see her, but hate that it has to be in secret cuz I feel like I’m betraying my dad and brothers.  I still feel as lonely as I did growing up because even though I know her, I still haven’t got a mum.  I’m happy when I see her, then I’m crying when she leaves and moody with my friends and family afterwards. Do you think my mum really loves me and should I tell my family I’m seeing her?

Caley, 14 UK

Dear Caley,

Your emotions are jumping all over the place and you’re keeping them to yourself which isn’t a good thing for a grown adult, never mind a young teenager. I’m going to be bluntly honest with you because I don’t want you to hurt alone anymore.

I’m sure that your mother does love you and your brothers. I doubt that she would’ve made contact if she didn’t. However, seeing you in secret and not offering you an explanation as to why she hasn’t been in your life for over a decade is poor behaviour on her part. Although she is your biological mother, this woman is a stranger to you, as you are to her. This does not in any way mean that you cannot form a bond and have a loving relationship with your mother. It means that as an adult, your mother is going to have to step up to her role as a parent.

You need to tell your father and your brothers that you are seeing your mother. The guilt you feel for lying to them will explode one day and from the mood swings you experience, its heading that way. Your father and brothers know you and love you, so they will support you as you deal with these feelings about your mother, even if they don’t have direct contact with her themselves. Maybe you could talk to your Dads girlfriend first if you feel apprehensive. As a neutral member of your family, she can ease any high emotions. You must also understand why your brothers do not wish to see your mother. They were older than you when she left, therefore they have more memories and hurt that they do not wish to stir up.

Once you be straight with your family, I can guarantee you’ll feel more confident asking your mother the questions you want answering and deciding what you want and what you will get from having her in your life. I sincerely hope things work out for you Caley. You may have to deal with a lot of roughs before you get to the smooth but keep strong and never blame yourself for the actions of your mother leaving you.

Love Auntie Aura

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I’m Cheating On My Paralysed Husband

Contact Auntie Aura at Askauntieaura@hotmail.co.uk  with your dilemmas for free confidential advice

Dear Auntie Aura,

My husband of five years had an accident that left him paralysed from the waist down fifteen months ago. I vowed to take care of him and even gave up my job to become his full-time carer. He’s only 33 and led a very active life before his accident so he’s very frustrated and depressed at the little he is able to do now, including sex. I promised him I would never look at another man but over the last few months I have started an affair with a mutual friend. I would never leave my husband but I feel so guilty in deceiving him. I know it’s selfish of me but I need sex, I need cuddles and kisses. Because my husband can no longer perform, he no longer wants to show me any affection which drove me to the attention of my lover.

Although we both agreed it would only be a sexual relationship, me and my lover are falling for each other big time. I don’t want to live this life but I can’t live with a cold marriage. Am I being selfish? Should I ditch my lover? How can I get my husband to show me loving affection? Please help.

Amy, 29, London UK (001)

Image Credit: Samanthasdolls.com

Auntie Aura Says:

Amy, your young life hasn’t mapped out well for you and I truly sympathise with your dilemma. I also sympathise with your husband, being left paralysed has caused a huge upheaval in his life which leaves him dependant on you. As a formerly active man that must be crushing for him and I would hope he’s getting professional emotional to help come to terms with that.

Although you are morally in the wrong for deceiving your husband, I fully respect your reasons. A life sentence without full sex is a tough ask and if you’re not getting any attention from your husband at all, of course you’re going to look elsewhere. Because your lover is a mutual friend, the guilt is going to be weighing you down more because if you get found out, your husband has to deal with being hurt by both you and a friend. I can’t tell you to end the affair, but if you’re both falling in love it will be increasingly hard for you to keep it secret from your husband, friends and      family.

You clearly love your husband and I’m sure he loves you but the frustration of being unable to fully fulfil you both sexually is the cause of him holding out on the affection. Tell him you miss kissing and cuddles and slowly suggest foreplay. Sexual toys can aid him in pleasuring you and give him a little sexual power back. If he refuses to take part you will have to let him know that you are still his wife, not just his carer and your marriage cannot continue loveless. It may seem harsh but he isn’t doing himself any favours in shutting you out. He has to make the best of the ability he has and your marriage because if he doesn’t, you will end up staying with him out of pity, not love and then resentment will set in.

If he’s not receiving counselling, talk to your GP about getting help. I really hope you can find some sort of happiness with your husband as it seems you had a happy marriage before his accident. Please let me know how things develop in the future.

Aunty Aura.

I Still Love My Violent Ex

Dear Auntie Aura,

Four months ago, I walked away from a violent and demeaning relationship with my boyfriend of three years. I swore to myself, my family and friends that I would never get back with him and moved back in with my parents to distance myself away from him and be safe from his manipulating and violent threats. For the best part of two months we had no contact until I had to go back to his flat to collect some important documents that had been posted there by mistake. He looked so broken when I seen him and full of apologies of the way he’d treated me. Instead of our usual arguing, we spoke for hours and agreed to part as friends. We exchanged phone calls and texts over the weeks and after a secret meeting last month, we had sex.

Since then he has been bombarding me with calls and messages begging me to take him back. I have to admit I miss him and the sex but I can’t risk him hitting me again and his jealous ways. My family and friends would never accept us back together as a couple and would probably have less sympathy if he repeated his violence. We’ve talked a lot about him getting professional help but he isn’t actively doing anything about his anger. He wants me to make a decision as he can’t cope with talking to me but not being with me. If I don’t take him back, he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t think I could handle that either. Can you help me choose?

Tia, 21, Manchester

Image Credit: Samanthasdolls.com

Auntie Aura Says:

Dear Tia,

You swore to yourself, four months ago that you would never go back to your jealous, violent ex, yet you’re having secret sex with him and he’s using the same manipulating behaviour to lure you back into the relationship. You have to ask yourself what you stand to gain and lose if you go back to him. You lived together for two years, you loved this guy but he beat you and will probably do so again if he doesn’t seek some form of anger management or learns to keep a grip on his fist.

In my view, you should take some proper time out before you make any decision. Stop all contact, get a friend or relative to act as a go between should you ever need anything from his flat again and find yourself. Meet new people, do new things and enjoy life. If your ex truly loves you, he will do what he has to to prove to you he has changed because you will have changed and he’s not controlling the relationship any more. Or maybe, after time to yourself, you might see life differently or better without him. Don’t let yourself be guilt tripped into doing anything and learn to love and value yourself.

Best Wishes AA

Contact Auntie Aura with a problem email :

Askauntieaura@hotmail.co.uk

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Advice: How To Deal With A Friend That Has Body Odour

Image Source: womenrepublic.co.uk

Dear Auntie Aura,

We are a group of four friends in our twenties that have known each other since our school days. Our problem is that the fifth girl who sometimes makes up our group has a terrible body odour problem. At school she earned the name ‘Sweaty Betty’ because of her pong and now as an adult the smell is even worse and she’s becoming an embarrassment to us.

BO aside, Sophina is the most kind hearted and fun-loving girl you could ever meet. We all love her dearly and have dropped heavy hints about her personal hygiene in the hope she would do something about it. She hasn’t and we think she doesn’t even care. People sometimes make nasty comments to her about her smell yet she’ll just swear at them or shrug the comments off.

Sophina’s problem is now causing friction within our group as two girls are fed up with the embarrassment and peed off with the smell. They think its time to drop her when we go out or they’re not going to come out with us at all. How can we resolve this Aura?

Sharna, Lian, Jodie and Frances xxxx Bradford, UK

Image Credit: Samanthasdolls.com

Auntie Aura Says: 

Friendships are very valued relationships that often require taking people as they are, whatever their faults. However, bad personal hygiene is a fault which needs a heavy stomach to put up with. Your friend Sophina appears to have a problem, not only having BO but not wanting to do anything about it. If that’s how she chooses to live then its her prerogative but when her problem inflicts others its unfair.

I’m suspecting that since she has had this problem since school she’s never had proper guidance from the adults in her life at that period on how to keep herself clean. You can’t make her change but if she won’t take hints, the ‘cruel to be kind’ method is the last chance to salvage your friendship as a group. Tell her how much you love her as a friend but she needs to hit the bathroom as her BO offends you all. If that method fails she deserves to be kicked out of the group as she obviously doesn’t value the importance of your friendship. Sophina will be the loser when she has no friends and left to wallow in her stench by herself.

//
 

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